he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
