just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize