Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
