I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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