On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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