i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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