I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
