i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
