If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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