tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
