Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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