It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
