At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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