so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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