Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
