Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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