Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
