If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
