If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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