I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
