I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
