I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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