I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize