Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
