What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
