Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
