if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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