you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
