dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
