I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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