You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
