I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
