I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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