they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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