What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She bit a glass in half.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
