there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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