Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
