My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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