I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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