This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize