i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
