Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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