u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
