I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
