My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
