I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
