Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize