I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
its liver damage thursday
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize