Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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