I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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