What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
