Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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