i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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