Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
