she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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