i just wanna soil my oats bro
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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