I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
