don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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