And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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