look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
