his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
